NowIKnowEditorial

Making & Mischief How-to

How to stage a mournful funeral for a single soggy chip on Brighton Pier

A clear, low-impact weekend ritual: script a eulogy, fashion a biodegradable coffin, recruit one mourner (or four), perform the ceremony by the sea and finish with a consolatory tea. You'll leave grieving dramatically and legally tidy.

12 clear steps·Illustrated guide
A small paper coffin holding a single soggy chip on wet sand near Brighton Pier, a mourner with a teacup stands nearby, pier and lamps in the background.
  1. 01

    Secure your chip (ethically)

    Buy a cone of chips from a Brighton Pier vendor and select one demonstrably soggy chip from your own portion; do not confiscate anyone else's food. Keep it in a paper cone or waxed paper until the ceremony so it retains its soggy dignity.

    A hand picking a single soggy chip from a paper cone of chips with Brighton Pier out of focus behind.
  2. 02

    Check tide, weather and legality

    Look up that day's tide times and local council rules (brighton and hove council beach bylaws) and pick a time when the tide is coming in slowly and the pier is not crowded—late afternoon is poetic. Pack a sealable bag for any leftovers and a small trash bag for cleanup.

    Smartphone displaying tide times on a cloth with a small sealable bag and a trash bag nearby, Brighton Pier visible afar.
  3. 03

    Compose a 90-second eulogy

    Write a short eulogy of 60–120 words — vivid, slightly overwrought and specific. Include the chip's full name (e.g., 'Reginald Crisp of Batter Lane'), one heroic trait (e.g., 'gave up its last crunch for the sea breeze') and a closing line like 'May your sogginess be eternal.' Practice aloud once so the timing is solemn, not flustered.

    Notebook open with a short eulogy written in pen, chip cone and pier visible behind.
  4. 04

    Make a biodegradable coffin

    Use a sheet of seed paper or kraft paper roughly 15 x 20 cm to fold a simple coffin (or use an unvarnished wooden craft box about 8 x 5 x 3 cm). For paper: fold long edges together to form a shallow tray, then fold each short side into triangular flaps and tuck to close; secure with compostable glue dots. The coffin should be just big enough for the chip to lie flat without crushing it.

    Hands folding kraft paper into a small coffin shape with glue dots and a cone of chips beside it.
  5. 05

    Line and furnish it delicately

    Line the coffin with a square of kitchen parchment or a used (clean) tea bag paper so the chip won't stick to the paper base. Optionally place a single dried rosemary leaf or a tiny sprig of seaweed (picked responsibly where permitted) for ceremony. Close gently but not airtight—the sea must be able to touch it for symbolism if you allow it.

    Small paper coffin lined with parchment and a rosemary sprig, a soggy chip positioned to be placed inside.
  6. 06

    Recruit one to four mourners and assign roles

    Invite 1–4 willing companions: a eulogist, a chief mourner (carries the coffin), a photographer and an official tea-bearer. Agree on an absurd but precise accessory for each (e.g., a single black ribbon, a striped umbrella, a solemn napkin) to heighten ceremony without blocking the public walkway.

    Four people on the pier with small mourning accessories: umbrella, ribbon, camera and teapot, ready to proceed.
  7. 07

    Create a tiny altar on damp sand

    Choose a clean stretch of damp sand near the pier where footsteps won't block the path. Lay a small cloth or napkin (no plastic) and arrange a pebble circle about 20 cm across. Place the coffin centered on the cloth; if lighting a flame is not allowed or it's windy, set a battery LED tealight in a tin instead.

    Cloth on wet sand with a pebble ring and small paper coffin centered, pier in the background.
  8. 08

    Procession to the altar

    Walk in measured steps from the pier to your altar: chief mourner leads with the coffin held like a reliquary; eulogist follows two paces behind; photographer positions respectfully to the side. Keep voices low and your route clear of other beachgoers—if anyone asks what you're doing, respond with calm dignity and an invitation to observe.

    Mourners in a quiet procession from the pier to the beach carrying a small coffin and accessories.
  9. 09

    Deliver the eulogy and observe silence

    The eulogist reads the 60–120 word speech slowly, pronouncing the chip's name with relish. After the reading, count a precise thirty seconds of silence. The photographer may capture a single respectful portrait or a wide shot during the silence, then lower the camera—no continuous filming.

    Mourner reading a short eulogy beside the small coffin while companions observe a moment of silence, camera lowered.
  10. 10

    Perform the symbolic sea committal—and collect everything

    Set the closed biodegradable coffin on the wet sand at the exact line where one small wave will meet it. Allow one modest wave to lap the coffin for the ceremonial 'return to sea' effect—do not let the coffin float away. Immediately retrieve any fragments the water has loosened; if materials are waterlogged, collect them into your sealable bag and take them home for composting. Never leave non-biodegradable pieces or food on the beach.

    Small paper coffin at the waterline as a wave touches it, mourner reaching with a sealable bag to collect remnants.
  11. 11

    Consolatory tea and tidy the scene

    Stand or sit for a consolatory cup of tea from a thermos poured into real mugs (or compostable cups), share a small biscuit and read one light line of praise for the chip. Then collect every item you brought—cloth, pebbles you didn't originally displace, packaging—and place them in the trash or your bag. Leave the stretch of beach cleaner than you found it.

    Group of mourners on sand drinking tea, with a sealable bag of collected materials and the pier in the background.
  12. 12

    Compost or memorialise at home

    At home, open the sealable bag and place the biodegradable coffin fragments and any organic remains into your compost or garden. If you used seed paper, plant it in a small pot as a living memorial. Keep one photograph as the official memorial portrait and file it under 'events that mattered.'

    Seed paper planted in a small pot on a windowsill with a compost bin nearby and a printed photo of the ceremony attached.
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